Birthin' Babies

I have spent most of the first part of this decade wishing I could get pregnant, and doing all the things a person does when they want to have a baby. When I was growing up, I was taught that a girl grew up and became a wife and mother. It was never brought up that something else might fill a person's life. A husband and babies were the end result of a successful life.

Alas, I couldn't have a baby, and I am sure that makes me somewhat of a failure in my parents' eyes. Oh, they never came out and said it in those words, but it was implied. It was implied every time my Father would say he wished we had kids. It was implied the way the sun rises and sets on the heads of my (deceased) brother's children, yet my folks have no real interest in my life.

Then about a year ago, I woke up one morning and I had an epiphany. Having children may have been my parents' plan, and I may have had it drilled into me that it was my purpose, but it was not. As I sat up in bed that morning, and looked around at the dogs that surrounded me, I realized that if I had children, I wouldn't have all of them. I might have had a dog or two, but I wouldn't have been able to have the dogs I had. Most of my dogs are older, or have health or emotional issue from past abuse and neglect. If I had kids, I wouldn't have been able to devote myself to these innocent creatures who would be seen as "throw away" animals to many people. My purpose wasn't to be birthin' babies, but to tend to God's other creatures. My life had gone to the dogs....and I loved it. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders as this realization hit me.

I had, up until that point, bought into the idea that my pets were a replacement for children that I surrounded myself in for comfort. However, I realized that wasn't true. My pets were my children....the children I was meant to have.

After that time, I was still open to having babies. I didn't think it would happen, but I still longed for the parental approval that would come with having a baby. I also wondered what it would feel like to have a baby growing inside me. Sometimes I think I just wanted the experience more than I wanted to have an actual baby.

Recently, I was hit by another realization. Not only am I comfortable with the fact that I won't have any human children, I actually don't want any. So now, I have a new concern. Over the years, as others would offer support, people would often tell me stories about someone they knew who couldn't have kids and found themselves pregnant at 40, 42 or 45. I never gave it much thought, but now I find myself praying that this doesn't happen to me.

I sort of live Murphy's Law. Now that I have reached this point in my life, I worry that I will become pregnant. I guess only time will tell.