Being A Mother

Yesterday was Mother's Day. My husband has wished me a Happy Mother's Day every year since 1999. 1999 was the year we became parents. Of course, our baby died before she had a chance to take her first breath. Does that mean we are not parents? What if she had been born and taken that first breath before she lost her life? Would we be parents then?

As you might notice, this is an area where I feel a lot of resentment. We had hopes for her. We loved her. We wanted her. So, why doesn't she matter as much as any other child which was created by any other couple?

When I see the children walking out to meet the school bus in the morning, I think of her. She would be in kindergarten now. I imagine her walking out with them. I wonder what she would look like. What her personality would be like. Would she like school?

I know that nobody else thinks of her. She never existed for them. She is less than an after thought, she isn't a thought at all.

Since I believe in reincarnation, I also wonder if she has been born into a new life yet. I wonder if she is near me. Could I even know her? I also wonder if she was at the end of her life cycle. If she was perfect and had completed all her Earthly tasks and lives among the angels.