The Weather

This has really been a crazy year with weather. In a typical year we have cold, snowy, winter weather until late April. We get spring in May and June. July is our "summer", usually with two weeks weather that is much too hot. By August the nights are getting cooler and the leaves start to fall off the trees the last week. September brings on the rain, which lasts until mid-October. The end of October we have "Indian Summer", then what most would consider fall happens in the beginning weeks of November. Then snow falls, and we are in a winter wonderland until late April.

This year, by April we were enjoying beautiful spring weather. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, flowers were growing. It was wonderful.

By June we had summer like the rest of the country.I had a thought that, since the the weather was so unseasonably nice and warm, maybe the coming winter would be mild.

Then by the end of July I noticed that some of the early leaves had started to fall from the trees. It was around this time that I realized that not only had the weather been nicer, but the seasons were starting a month or two sooner than usual. My thoughts of a mild winter were replaced with concern that instead winter would start sooner.

And that seems to be what is happening....

By mid October the temperatures started to drop dramatically. It went from being 70 during the day and 50 at night to 45 during the day and 30 at night...seemingly over night. This past week we had snow for three days! Starting on October 25th!

I predict a long, cold winter. And I am not happy about it.

Just Stuff

My foster kittens were adopted yesterday. They were adopted out together. They went to live with a retired couple. They had a cat, but it passed away at 16 years old. They seemed like knowledgeable cat people, and I hope the kittens have a long happy life with them.

My niece Stephanie told me yesterday that she wanted the kittens, but her Mom said no. She told me that she wants to save all the animals. So, it looks like my love of animals has been passed on to the next generation. She sure is growing up and turning into a little adult. Next week she is getting inducted into the National Junior Honor Society. She is only in 7th grade. I didn't get into the honor society myself until college.

Today marks 25 years since my brother Billy was killed. It is hard to believe it has been that long. He was only 13, so he has been gone far longer than he was here. Stephanie will be 13 in February. At the time I didn't really see my brother as being so young, but I guess he really was.

It shouldn't bother me, but...

I know this shouldn't bother me, but it does. We can't really control how something makes us feel, only how we react to that feeling. I am choosing to blog it for my reaction.

My parents are having a very tight year financially. They are managing to get by, but have no extras. My Mom has mentioned in passing a few times that the holidays are going to be difficult. I discussed it with my husband, and we decided that the next time it came up I would mention to her that we don't expect anything from my parents, and that they could take whatever they might have planned to spend on us on their grandkids.

Today I talked to my Mom, and I told her that we didn't expect anything, and to get stuff for the kids instead. That is when she informed me that she had already decided she was going to do that. It *shouldn't* bother me, since that is what I told her to do anyway. I think it bothers me because this is just another example of how her grandkids have superceded me. She wasn't even considering me in the picture. That sounds childish, I know. I don't mean it in a "sibling rivalry" sort of way. I just sort of feel like when those kids were born, and especially after my brother passed away, my Mom stopped being my Mom and started being theirs.

I am the last living child my parents have left. I would think that would mean something to them. If I were in their situation, I think I would cherish every breath my last surviving child took. Yet, I am left feeling like I don't matter at all. Maybe that is just the natural process of it all. I don't know since I never had kids. Our daughter would have been 6 years old this month, had she survived. I wonder if she would have been as important to my Mom as S & S are? Somehow I doubt it.

Joe's mother has been a bit preoccupied thinking about grandkids recently too. I can recall at least 5 times in the past two weeks she has made a comment along the lines of...she will put up with the crap because she is afraid that she won't see her grandkids. I wonder if she will end up being like my Mom. If so, I guess that will show me that it *is* just the natural progression of things.

I guess I don't understand it. Yes, one's grandkids are part of your child... but only part. Meanwhile, your child is yours...created by you and your husband. They are 100% the two of you, not 1/4. Not that I am saying that is all that matters. It is really hard for me to explain what I am feeling. I just feel hurt that I matter very little to my Mom anymore. At one time I think she saw me as an equal to the kids. That was when my brother passed away, and she changed her will. Rather than split things in 1/2, she changed it to split things 1/3, making each of them my equal, rather than having them split my brother's 1/2.

The way things have progressed over the years, I really wouldn't be overly surprised if it went back to halves....without me included. I am not concerned about the actual "estate". My parents don't have much. It is just the symbolism of it all.

The time in between

I wonder why we are always so interested in the "first" and "last". A baby's first words, the last photo of a late relative....

I fall into this trap myself. I recently took a photo of Bailey who will be 11 months old on Thursday. The photo was snapped as he discovered his first pile of autumn leaves. This is his first autumn, and soon there will be few "firsts" left for him to discover. I was also looking at old photos of Indy, and I found myself fixated on the last photo of him ever taken.

Of course, being me, I related this to my dogs, but it is really the prevailing way in all aspects of life. Soon my SIL will have her baby, and she will be consumed with all the firsts that come with it. Soon my BIL will be married, which I suppose should be seen as something new, and filled with firsts, but I see the lasts. Things will never be the same. The person I knew will be gone. He is mostly gone now. Yet, I will remember the "last" of Jim, and the firsts of the new baby. It is just how we are.

What is it about our nature? Why do we savor the last bite of the last cookie, but chomp down the rest of the bag without a second thought. Shouldn't we savor each bite?

This past year was filled with Indy's lasts and Bailey's firsts. I have cherished and recorded all of Bailey's firsts. I just hope that as life goes on, that I take the time to savor all the times between the first and the last.